Meditation, Fear & Faith

So, the embryo transfer went well and Kira has been on bed rest for the past 2 days and all there is to do now is wait. This is the 3rd time we've been through the 10-day wait to receive our pregnancy test results and it is still challenging. 

The past couple of times, I've relied heavily on meditation to relieve the anxiety of the wait. Meditation works for me and allows me to turn off my brain and stop thinking about all the things I cannot change! Yesterday, I did a meditation in my hotel room focused on the following phrase.

"Fear is the absence of Faith"

So, why did I chose that phrase? Well, mainly because I have a lot of fear about what may or may not happen on June 1st when we receive the results of our pregnancy test. I'm afraid we won't be pregnant and I'm afraid we will be pregnant and something will go wrong. Ultimately, I'm afraid that I won't get what I WANT and that's the rub! It's really not about what I want, is it? It's really about what the universe wants for me. Now, I fully believe that the universe wants me and Chris to have a family and that we will have children but this is not about instant gratification and we have to be patient and have faith that it will happen. That's how I got to the meditation yesterday.

How can I be afraid if I TRULY believe and have FAITH that we will have a family and that the universe is working towards helping us achieve that goal. This is really where the "rubber meets the road", where I have to put into practice all the things that I say and repeat to myself constantly. I can not be simultaneously afraid and faithful because where faith exists fear can't reside. 

On June 1st, we will find out if we are pregnant. In the meantime, there's nothing I can do to change the outcome. I BELIEVE we will have a family soon. No matter what the results are on June 1st, we will be fine and no matter what I will not allow my faith to falter.

Fear is the Absence of Faith and TODAY I am not afraid!

Transfer Day 5/21/09

Today we did our embryo transfer! We transferred 2 embryos and are feeling very positive about getting pregnant. Of course, we will have to wait until June 1st (the day before Victor's 39th birthday!!!) to find out if we're pregnant but hey, that's really not that long!

In the meantime, we'll keep you updated on how we're feeling during the wait. Keep sending out lots of positive energy, prayers and "sticky vibes" (that's a term made popular on the surrogate blogs and message boards) for us!

Why I chose to be a Surrogate for Intended Fathers

I figure I'd better write about this before our next transfer, so I don't get too far behind....

So, as I said in my previous post, at first, I was open to working with either a traditional couple, or a gay couple. However, after doing further research, I decided I wanted to work with IFs.

These are my reasons why....

Of course, the main reason why I chose to work with IFs is because, I fully support gay couples having a family, and wanted to be a part of that process for one very special couple! But, there are also two additional reasons why I chose IFs.

Disclaimer: I mean no disrespect to any woman that has battled, is battling, or will battle infertility. The following is my opinion, and what I have found to be true in some(not all) surrogate/traditional intended parent relationships.

The first reason why I chose IFs is because, I felt they would have less emotional baggage(for lack of a better word) than traditional couples. I wanted my first experience as a GS(gestational surrogate) to be a happy one. When a gay couple decides to have a child, it's a no brainer. In order to achieve their dream, there has to be a woman involved in one way or another. Men don't have the expectation that they will experience pregnancy & birth first hand, so there isn't the sense of loss, that a woman choosing surrogacy(usually as a last resort) might have.

As a first time GS, I'm not sure I would have been emotionally equipped to deal with all the feelings an IM(Intended Mother) trying to cope with infertility would have. Not only does she have to come to terms with not being able to carry her own child, but she has to accept that another woman is going to carry her husbands baby. My heart goes out to all the IMs out there, for their strength, and courage :-)

The second reason why I chose IFs, has to do with having a relationship with my IPs/baby after the birth...

While doing my surrogacy research, I'd read many heartbreaking stories written by devastated surrogates. Their IMs/IPs had promised to remain in contact with them following the baby's birth, but lied(maybe not intentionally) to them. Everything was great during the pregnancy, but eventually the IM wanted to be the only "mother" in the child's life, so they cut all ties with their surrogate, leaving her to pick up the pieces. This is clearly not an option for most surrogates. After nurturing a baby in the womb for nine months, it's not possible to simply forget about the baby, or your IPs for that matter. In contrast, most of the IF stories I read had happy endings! With IFs, the surrogate is not viewed as "the other woman," and they aren't typically threatened by the potential relationship the surrogate may form with their child. Obviously, not all traditional couples treat their surrogate this way. However, after reading several tragic stories, I felt like I wasn't willing to take the chance of this happening to me(at least for my first journey.)

Obviously, my posts a long-winded, so I'll write about why I specifically chose Victor & Chris next time!

Thanks for reading & Happy 40th Birthday Chris!! (((Hugs!!))

Try Try Again!

They say the third times the charm (or third time lucky for our British friends....HI ADAM!) so lets hope that's the case for us!

We found out yesterday that our next (3rd) embryo transfer is scheduled for Thursday, May 21st. That's great news because after we lost the pregnancy last week, we thought we'd have to wait until June for our next transfer. The doctor knows best and he said, "NO", we're ready to go again!

We are very optimistic about the upcoming transfer. We are NOT looking forward to the 10-day wait for the pregnancy test results but hey, that's just a part of it! 

Stay tuned for the results in a few weeks and KEEP YOUR FINGERS, TOES, SHOE LACES, EVERYTHING......CROSSED!!!!!

What Led Me to Surrogacy

Let me start off by saying, it's an honor and a privilege to be asked by Victor and Chris to contribute to their blog! Thanks guys:) Hopefully, in the near future, I'll be able to share my thoughts, feelings and experiences with all of you, while I bake their precious little bundle of joy! So stayed tuned! I'm sure that Victor & Chris will keep you all updated regarding the outcome of our upcoming embryo transfer.

I guess I should start off by saying, nothing compares to being able to bring a life into this world. Pregnancy, labor and delivery are incredible experiences, that I wish everyone could feel first hand. But, unfortunately half of us don't have the required "plumbing," so it's left up to the women of the world, to take on the task of pregnancy & childbirth.

Hmmm... What led me to surrogacy? It's a combination of things really.

After finding out the sex of my second child, I knew(for several reasons) that my husband and I were done having children. We already had one little boy that was a handful, and soon, we would be adding a little girl to our family. Two parents, and two children(a boy & a girl,) our family was complete.

As the second half of my pregnancy progressed, I began to feel a little sad here and there, thinking, "Soon, I'll never again get to experience what's it's like to feel my baby kick," or "I'll never again feel the excitement of that first contraction, wondering, is this it!?" These feelings were definitely a driving force in pursuing surrogacy.

Now, back up a little... When I was early in my first trimester, my dear friend...we'll call her "Audrina" for the story's sake(This is what I wanted to name my daughter Ellora, but unfortunately my hubby got a say,lol!) was also pregnant(about 5 months along with B/G twins conceived through IVF.) At 21 weeks into her pregnancy, Audrina, pulled into her driveway after a morning of shopping. When she got out of her car, the amniotic sac around her little girl broke. To make a long story short, both babies passed away, and needless to say, Audrina and her family were left devastated. This was Audrina's third attempt to have a baby with medical intervention, and it had ended badly. Over the next year, I watched Audrina try to cope with what had happened(while she watched me go through my entire pregnancy.) If the timing had been right, I would have offered myself as a surrogate, so she and her hubby could have the baby they've always dreamed of! However, I'm happy to report, even though she was given a slim to none chance of getting pregnant on her own, she's expecting a little girl this summer! Going through the pain and suffering of infertility with Audrina, made me think that maybe I could help someone(if not her) in a similar situation. After all, I've had 2 relatively easy, uncomplicated pregnancies. And, less than 3 hours of active labor before delivering. Maybe, just maybe, I could be a surrogate!

Around the same time I started to look into surrogacy, I was talking to my mom about my little brother who's gay. My mom was worrying about "What would become of him," because he's young, and still trying to find himself & where he fits in(career wise, relationship wise, etc). You know, typical parent worries,lol! For some reason, this particular conversation got me thinking, "Well, when he does settle down, what if he wants children?" I guess at the time, I assumed most gay couples pursued adoption. But, as I continued my surrogacy research, I noticed that there were several agencies that had a large portion of IFs(Intended Fathers) as their client base. Helping IFs was very appealing to me, as I'm a huge supporter of gay couples getting married & starting families and, gay rights in general.

As I applied to become a surrogate, I was open to helping either a traditional couple or a gay couple. I'll write more about my ultimate decision to choose IFs, and why I specifically chose Victor & Chris later....

Thanks for reading!

Kira